Still Getting There

How is it that all of my past few days (weeks) have felt so painfully stagnant yet I feel that so much in my life is drastically changing. So much has happened since 2017, as I’m sure has for every conscious being on this moving rock, change is inevitable and constant, I really appreciate the act of “changing” as a whole quite frankly. I could never enjoy a life of stagnation, which is why I’ve been having a not so good time these first few months of the year.

My days-if you can even call them that, they feel more like night cycles-have been almost indistinguishable, only differing slightly from one another. I feel as though I’m stuck in some sort of time loop with no obvious exit, the Melancholy of Whosrushi if you will (anime reference.) Although, like I mentioned above, I know for a fact my life is changing in a moment’s glance, because ya know, when isn’t it? I’m just too caught up in my unproductive daily “routines” to distinguish the new from the old.

Honestly, it just sucks being in that middle point in life-waiting for change to take its course but being unable to speed up said change-it sucks not being able to do ANYTHING about the velocity of time. I know that soon I’ll be living the life I want to live, and I hate saying that too because that means that currently I’m not enjoying my life, but it’s much more complex than that.

I’m happy with everything & everyone I have, my appreciation levels are probably at an all-time high, (which is rare considering that whenever I acquire desired items I immediately forget the value they once had before being acquired) and I’ve seemingly taken more steps in succeeding the dream job this so-far year than I have in the past three years and it shows. So why am I still not leading the life that I want to? There’s a lot more to it than just “oh I’m unhappy here” or “life’s unfair boohoo,” I’m far from melancholic but deeming myself as “happy” would probably be a bold lie.

I wanna say that at moments in my life I truly have been “happy” but isn’t happiness a forever thing? One can’t simply claim contentment one moment then switch up the next and still be considered all-around happy with life, it just doesn’t work like that. Unless you’re living every single second of the day in your blissful mindset then I would consider you anything other than happy, myself included.

Nowadays I’m just jaded, I’m bored, tired and annoyed with life as a whole. It may sound contradictory but, I’m anything but sad. I think I’m close to being happy, but how does one determine that without venturing into the land of brief grief? Nowadays I don’t have time to be sad, that doesn’t help me with anything, then again neither does any other emotion besides happiness lead you closer to anything you want out of this life now does it?

So for now, I’m still getting there.