Honestly the only thing fully holding me back from becoming “one with the moment” and believing that the past truly does not exist (anymore) is the reality of death. I refuse to accept that my friends just don’t exist anymore due to them being apart of the past. Apparently the past is nothing more than vague thoughts that weight you down in the long run of life, that’s a sick way of thinking if ya ask me.
I wanna believe that anything that’s not in this very moment is indeed redundant, but that allegation simply does not sit well with me for the reason stated above. My dead friends aren’t real because of their relationship to the past? No, that just can’t be the case, nor is it.
I woke up today with Sin city on my mind, ready and out the door by 5am I would soon return to the city that of which sparked my melancholic blog, for the second time.
As ecstatic as I was to return to a city I once resentfully called home, all of that (or more like 70%) of that ecstatic-ness came plummeting down not even 4 hours of being in the city limits. Not too long after my arrival a dear friend of mine hit me (us) with the news. Our friend had past that morning. Whilst I was commuting my way to sunny Las Vegas a dear friend of mine lost her life and is now one with the past. I don’t like that thought at all, I could barely type that without wanting to ALT DEL it, but apparently that’s how some think. Apparently the past & the future don’t exist.
She’ll definitely be on my mind for the remainder of my stay here and so on after that, death isn’t something I can just hop back in the moment from, as much as I claim others to do so during similar melancholic situations. Maybe this whole “past isn’t real” shit doesn’t apply to the humans we met & befriended throughout our journeys? Maybe.
I always found it quite dismal how a person can die but every single one of their active socials are still in the realm of the living per say. It pains me deeply having the ability to “see” a friend who’s not here anymore, it’s as if their death is just a facade but I know all too well that’s far from the case.
The contradiction going on in my head is killing me, as much as I want to reside in the moment eternally and disregard the past I just can’t bring myself to disregard those of the past, life just doesn’t work like that. Looks like I’m faced with another lifelong decision, ignore the past and everything it holds, whilst chillin in the moment or recall those once and still loved whilst carrying the pain that comes with it.
I’ll have my answer in the morning, Goodnight.