A Contradiction

I find it insane how residing in the moment is the only way to shield one’s self from the self-destructive thoughts the mind can feed us. Not to say that existing in this very moment is a complex challenge, it’s actually an easy act just turning off your mind, but those moments where I slip I slip hard and the unconscious thinking begins to spiral and spiral some more until I finally decide to snap myself back into the only thing that matters. This very moment.

I know I’ve been talking about nothing but “moment this” & “moment that” all throughout my last couple of post but bare with me here. It’s something I’ve been practicing since early last year and let’s just say I wish I started this “moment-ing” a lot sooner. Obvious tactic right? Reside in the moment eternally and simply enjoy life as it goes, no future worrying nor past grieving. It all seems like such a fool-proof way of living, and I won’t lie, when I’m actually relishing and living my life in the moment without a thought on mind, it truly is. Shutting off that headspace of yours is a lot easier said then done though.

Like I said previously, when I slip out of existence (existence is this moment and nothing more if ya really think about it) and back into the mind’s dangerous thought loops I slip HARD. Hard is an understatement really, it’s almost as if I start to feed my mind reasons as to not abide in the moment, I’m my own worst enemy. I feel like it honestly shouldn’t be this hard to simply turn off your thinking, but then again alienating something we’ve been doing literally since birth would prove to be challenging, even if it is a self-destructive feat.

I feel like I’m the biggest contradiction in life I know. Everything I have and everyone I choose to let into my life are all great, my adventures are wonderfully spontaneous, I continue to receive all things manifested and yet I still somehow let my mind regulate what’s worth it and what’s not in this life. Run-on, I know. This is no brag post so please don’t see it as that, I have nothing to “brag” about. I’m living a good life by my standards and yet it’s not even close to the life I want to be living (contradiction Rushi.) I guess we’re all pretty far away from our “dream lifestyle” though, right? Or did you already achieve said dream as they say, if so KUDOS!

I just find it distressing to believe that this is my life. My life-just like most norms in the same boat as me-consist of doing a great deal of things that I do not want to do for various hours all just to survive, no, I don’t do these undesired task in order to live, I do em’ to survive. Otherwise we…I mean, I would be right back where I started, with nothing. It’s weird though, I guess some are okay with this portrayed way of the average life, or maybe they’re just not as bothered by the fact that all 24 hours of the day aren’t theirs. Oh how I wish I could just ignore the actuality that is life and become one with bliss, but like I stated, I’m a contradiction.

A contradiction wanting to relish in the moment at all moments but sometimes my thoughts get the best of me. I wish it weren’t this way but unfortunately every now and then I get to thinking how I’m not living the life I want to live and haven’t been for 20sum years now, that’s a long time. I wouldn’t be able to survive another two decades of indulging in various loathsome task for hours on end, I simply have better things to do in this existence. Apparently that’s life though, and I’m just crying about the reality of it. Still, I truly refuse to believe that we’re here on this moving rock to partake in matters we do not care for, forever. I’ll make it out, one way or another.

7 thoughts on “A Contradiction

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  1. You are certainly not alone. Unfortunately we have to work to survive, and by the time we get to retire we’re too old, tired, and falling apart to enjoy it. However, I like your idea of living in the moment. That allows us to enjoy the moments that we do have to do what we want. But to add to your contradiction, I think that living outside the moment may help us accept and maybe even kinda enjoy the other tasks we wouldn’t choose to do. If we think of how we might be making a difference for someone else, or building some kind of legacy, then mybe the undesirable tasks won’t be soo bad.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Thank you for your insight on my contradiction Natalie! I can definitely see the gain in existing outside of the moment when indulging in such task, I’m glad I’m not the only one out there with a similar thought pattern.


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