Personas

At times I feel like a whole different person from the Rushi that last wrote on here back in April, and then I realize that I kinda am. In all honesty, I’m sure I change a fair amount as a person in between each of my posts considering how separated they are, six years later, and still no schedule to my erratic post patterns huh? As expected, that idea of writing on here consistently like an actual blogger who’d want their words to be heard is entirely out the window by now. Not to crush 2017-2019 Rushi’s dreams but it was never going to happen, writing’s always been a side thing to me and nothing more so I never really forced it.

I think the reason I used to come on here and spill my 19-year-old guts out to the world (Five people if that) was because I wanted to take this “Blogging” thing somewhere eventually, but it never happened, I always fell off for months at a time because I never really “forced” the words out when I went on a dry spell from posting. It just wasn’t my thing clearly. Now here we are almost six entire years since I created my first post on here, why am I still blogging if it’s not my “thing” you blatantly ask? Well because I feel a lot more comfortable doing it when I can now. Like I said I only wrote on here for the most part because deep deep down inside I wanted this “Rushi” person to blow up on the internet with his/her intriguing life-writing stories but now that that whole image is over & my life actually began I don’t really feel compelled to hop on this site and stare at a blank white page until I’m sad enough to write up a summary of my past few months in a cluttered post. In a way I feel, free I guess is the best word, but I was never really trapped, I just trapped myself really. Does that make sense?

Take in those two beginning paragraphs however you so please, this blog isn’t going anywhere anytime soon and I’m honestly glad to say for ONCE I am delighted for the future. Mainly because I don’t feel like I have to tend to something I started almost 6 years ago and inevitably failed at. In reality, I never really did HAVE to continue to write on here even with my hiatuses being months apart, but I continued to do so for me eventually a little bit after my post titled “Life events and where I’ve been” went up in 2020. Don’t get me wrong I was still in the mindset of “One of these days I’ll be good at this blogging thing and have thousands of other similar bloggers following me & my page” but if that’s the reason you’re doing something with no passion then just stop now. And stop I did, and again and again. I don’t think I knew that I wanted to just completely throw away this “world-class blogger status someday” goal of mine until the end of 2021/beginning of 2022, I realized that I released a whopping two posts for the entire year of 2021….

Even for a low-class villain blogger like myself that doesn’t really care when/how often they post, seeing that number really stirred up a volume of things for me regarding this site as a whole. This year 2022 the blog post count currently sits at 3, better than last year but still an all-time low for me, In reality though I only put up two posts this year as well considering that my second one was literally just a drafted blog entry from Sept 23rd, 2021. Shame on me I know, I really only put it out because I felt the need to update my site even if I had to force out a few more words to finish an old excerpt from the year prior.

Now that brings me back to the whole point of this excerpt, I’m at the point in my life where I finally know what I would like to do for years to come, which means that most of my day, time, and efforts are gonna be put towards furthering that future. As with many accomplishments achieved I had to drop a good deal of things I noticed that weren’t pushing me closer to this goal I.E: Too much Youtube watching, tooooo much drinking, hanging with friends just for their sake, the list goes on really. If I am being honest though I’m definitely still having trouble dropping a few things that would clearly further expand my time usage here, such as smoking & phone usage. The attachment I have to these few apps on my phone truthfully makes me sick, I know for a fact I’d probably be two steps closer to my dream job if I could just put my phone down.

But I digress, I guess that’s really why I’m writing this. I’ve finally released myself from the shackles of trying to become the blogger I NEVER will and now I think I’ll be able to write what I want when I want, not to say I already haven’t been, but now I can go months without posting on here without feeling guilty. I just, needed to get that off my chest or I may have never came back to this site if I’m being honest the need to write on current/past sorrows was what was really keeping me away for so long. I had nothing else sad to say but still had a persona to keep up.

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